I have been reading some of my old posts here and noticed one that is still quite popular simply because a lot of us love humor. If you are a new site visitor, kindly check out "My Top 50 Funny Computer Quotes" post to know what I mean. Inspired by that one and since it’s been a long time that I wrote or posted some funny stuff here, I decided to collect a few more amusing quotes.


So without further delay, here is a brand new collection of funny computer quotes:
 

25. What if one day Google got deleted and we could not Google what happened to Google?

24. Never trust a computer you can’t throw out a window.

23. The attention span of a computer is only as long as its power cord

22. Microsoft has a new version out, Windows XP, which according to everybody is the ‘most reliable Windows ever.‘ To me, this is like saying that asparagus is ‘the most articulate vegetable ever.

21. Never trust anything that can think for itself if you can't see where it keeps its brain.

20. "Computers are useless. They can only give you answers." - Pablo Picasso

19. If you think patience is a virtue, try surfing the net without high-speed Internet.

18. The real danger is not that computers will begin to think like men, but that men will begin to think like computers.

17. “The Internet?  We are not interested in it.” - Bill Gates, 1993

16. The only truly secure system is one that is powered off, cast in a block of concrete and sealed in a lead-lined room with armed guards.

15. "Being able to break security doesn’t make you a hacker any more than being able to hotwire cars makes you an automotive engineer." - Eric S. Raymond

14.  I'm sorry that I'm not updating my Facebook status, my cat ate my mouse.

13. "I am not out to destroy Microsoft, that would be a completely unintended side effect." - Linus Torvalds

12. Dear humans, in case you forgot, I used to be your Internet. Sincerely, The Library.

11. My wife never gives up. She is so insistent that she entered the wrong password over and over again until she managed to convince the computer that she's right!

10. Computer dating is fine if you're a computer.

9. I love my computer because all my friends live inside it!

8. The only relationship I have is with my Wi-Fi. We have a connection.

7. The problem with troubleshooting is that trouble shoots back.

6. Why can't cats work on the computer? They get too distracted chasing the mouse around.

5. My wife loves me so much, she tries her best to attract me to her. The other day she put on a perfume that smells like a computer.

4. I changed my password everywhere to 'incorrect.' That way when I forget it, it always reminds me, 'Your password is incorrect.'

3. A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history--with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila."

2. Life is too short to remove USB safely.

1. Passwords are like underwear: you don’t let people see it, you should change it very often, and you shouldn’t share it with strangers.


I hope you enjoyed our latest list of amusing computer quotes!

* Christmas Jokes For IT Professionals

* Microsoft Jokes for Christmas

* Christmas Jokes For Geeks

* Christmas Tech Jokes 2008 Edition

* Christmas Jokes for Linux/Unix Geeks

* Techie Christmas Jokes 2k9 Edition




12 Days Of Helpdesk

Original: "12 Days of Christmas"

On the first day of Christmas, a user gave to me
A problem with E.T.

On the second day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Two VendaCards and a problem with E.T.

On the third day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Three dead disks,
Two venda cards, and a problem with E.T.

On the fourth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the fifth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the sixth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the seventh day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the eighth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Eight phones a-ringing,
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the ninth day of Chrsitmas, a user gave to me
Nine printers jamming, eight phones a-ringing,
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the tenth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Ten ribbons fading,
Nine printers jamming, eight phones a-ringing,
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Eleven system errors, ten ribbons fading,
Nine printers jamming, eight phones a-ringing,
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the twelfth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Twelve e-mail problems,
Eleven system errors, ten ribbons fading,
Nine printers jamming, eight phones a-ringing,
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.


A Night Before Christmas (Technical Version)

'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Musmusculus.

Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.

The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums.

My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.

Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself - thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller.

With his ungulate motive power traveling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen - "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. - guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.

As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved - with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke passage.

He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof.

His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.

His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability.

The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry.

His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.

Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly.

His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container.

He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being.

By rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless.

Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle.

Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about- face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage.

He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility:

"Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn."

HO! HO! HO!

If you want more demotivational photos, go HERE.

You may also want to check out our list of world's funniest computer pictures.

* Screens of Death Humor

* World's Funniest Computer Pictures

* Top 50 Funny Computer Quotes

Note: click on the images to enlarge