Wrestling Wrap Up: Cena Gives Up His Title Shot!

Yeah so, like I've mentioned a few times before, doing the Wrap Up gets a bit difficult when not all that much happens on a given week of wrestling. Okay maybe not difficult, but for some reason it takes longer than the ones where I have a s***-ton to say and it just easily spews out all over the typed page. There wasn't even a legit Smackdown on last Friday so I can't even spend two or more paragraphs writing about how much Booker T makes me want to give myself a paper cut in my pee hole or that Aksana needs to either speak up or production needs to lower the volume on the sax music so that I don't ever miss a single sex entendre about how she loves to work a joystick or how much she looks forward to being covered head-to-toe in cream. Because I take notes. And one day they will all be greeting cards. And I will send those cards to you, the loyal Wrap Up reader. And there will be a fake five dollar bill inside. That's good for one free shoulder rub. From any homeless man you can convince that the five is real.

See, already I can't even focus. I'm sitting here picking at a slice of fruitcake like I'm some sort of NASA scientist analyzing a moon rock and I have no idea what to write. No idea who I want to have call Phone Dog. It's a drag. When the biggest news story of the week is John Cena giving up his WWE title shot so that Zack Ryder can have a U.S. title shot, it's going to take a "beyond the recommended dose" of Focusen to help me stay on task here. Good thing I have…THE ISOLATOR!

So let's get busy livin'. Santa's watching, people! The RAW announcers are blatantly talking about the "boos taking their toll on Cena." It's an official story. This is now a thing. And last night was strange since they could have moved the story along, having had Cena face Ryder and get booed, but they chose to have Cena sort of redeem himself by the end when he gave up his title shot and helped Ryder beat Mark Henry. Or I guess I should say that he redeemed himself in the eyes of Ryder fans primarily. Whose numbers are growing every day, but they're still not quite at the level you'd think from the sheer number of signs in any given WWE crowd. So while they had the perfect opportunity for Cena to have been the one to have, inadvertently, squashed Ryder's dreams, they chose to undercut that by having Cena be the good guy to a sickeningly "good guy" level.

I mean, he's sooooo good at this point. I wrote last week that if it had come down to Cena and Hornswoggle as the last two men in that Battle Royal, Cena would have just eliminated himself. But now it looks like he's so damn angelic that he's going to have to snap. At some point. I just don't know when since they kind of took back the heat that he got last night after beating Ryder. And is anyone else convinced that the Zack Ryder headband/hair combo that Cena was wearing last night came from a failed Darren Young wig-for-kids prototype that went nowhere? Because it wasn't Ryder hair. His hair was never that nuclear. And plus, it was brown. Ryder's sporting the short-sheared intergalactic copper look these days. He looks like a Q-tip that's struck gold.

Y'all know that I'm not a die-hard Ryder fan. But I do appreciate what he's done to get himself over and that something the fans care about is breaching the fortress the "WWE's best laid plans." I think I'm just afraid to find out that most Ryder fans aren't enjoying him ironically. Or that there are actually people out there who don't think the word "Broski" is pure parody. Because to some, it isn't. I have a hard enough time interacting with fellow editors here at IGN who share most of my interests much less my fellow countrymen whose interests lay 20 miles and a weigh station away from my own. So what I'm saying is that my notion of the "platonic" Zack Ryder fan terrifies me to the very core of my being. They're pretty much the snarks and grumpkins of the wrestling world. Tales my nursemaid told me.

At the top of RAW, Cena came out and once again repeated that he loves the fans and the passion they exude, whether they be "pro-him" or not. And then he proceeded to talk about how much he loved getting smacked in the mouth by Piper and treated like a bitch. "Oh ho ho, Roddy. You've still got a mean jab." Yes, he thanked Piper for striking him, much like he thanked The Rock for whooping his ass on two occasions. Then Cena thanked his proctologist for the visit they had a week ago and gave a special shout out to the time he was up all night vomiting because he ate some bad popcorn shrimp. He ended the bit by high fiving Death himself for the inevitable day when Cena will die peacefully in his sleep at the well-lived age of 83.

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