So due to my last post being a bit too melodramatitc, and fueled entirely by a raging hangover on a train… here’s a list of some of my games for 2011 with a one line summary;

1. Skyrim; A dragon turns up but you’re thankfully on hand to womp it, turns out you’re pretty special too. 10/10
2. Batman: Arkham City; Typical no rest for the caped crusader, Robin isn’t as lame in this one and Night wing shows up. 10/10
3. Crysis 2; You’re big, bad and beautiful baby, with a kick ass arsenal and rocking story, this is a classic.  9/10
4. L.A. Noire; Guess your way around until you go ‘ohhhhhh I get it now’ one hammer short of a tool kit… to kill people with. 6/10
5. FIFA; centre, to midfield, out to the wing, cleared by Terry to Rooney… GOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL or just another oppurtunit for 13 year old to legally molest me with their incredible skills 7/10
6. Skyward Sword; Over hyped, no chance to live up to and it didn’t (unless you were already a super fan). 5/10
7. Mass Effect 2: Loads of people are getting ‘harvested’, you can solve it, get a team but don’t google the answers. 10/10
8. Dead Island; Amazing Trailer, loads of Zombies (fast and slow) but don’t worry your crew won’t die…. Mainly because they don’t help you. 7/10
9. Little Big Planet 2; Surprisingly still fun, it’s like the Rowntrees Randoms adverts (UK Reference)…. It’s just weird (in a did that older lady just touch my ass?) kind of way. 8/10
10. Gears of War 3; More big stuff, better co-op… not as good as 2? 8/10
11.  I’ve never been a fan of the halo or resistance series so let’s just sum them up together; Aliens vs humans with exclusive console rights, one’s a lot better than the other and is known to create fanboys from mud (NB. This may result in trolling). Rate this yourself, I’m not risking a flame.
12. Lord Of the Rings War in the North; zzzzzzzz what?! Oh, err same ol same ol sucking the last little drop out of a franchise… where’s the ‘The Matrix; the Tetris Files’? 2/10
13. GTA; Again, nothing new just instead of a stereotypical black/ white/ brown/ yellow/ blue/ Brooklyn/ etc they went for the Russian… still, who doesn’t want to punch prostitutes and deal crack? 4/10
14. Saints Row; Play it serious or weird… this game is just… well… It’s odd. 5/10
15. Brink; A new look at console online gaming, a bit smarter than some of the others that have been released but the need for a decent team can sometimes be frustrating. 7/10
16. Boarderlands; shame it only has 3 characters… but still if you’ve never wondered what it’s like to roam an alien planet with an acid spewing pistol, periodically emptying your load into hoards of crazy midgets… are you really a gamer? 9/10
17. Deus-Ex; Splinter Cell for a new generation. 9/10
18. Call of Duty; Again, this is the masochistic world of getting beaten by 12 year olds… high profile business men are going to stop going to the dominatrix and end up playing this to get their lust for humiliation quenched. 6/10
19. Dragon Age 2: As far as a rail road goes... this wasn’t bad… admittedly you have to be into this sort of thing to like it, but giant spiders I do like to kill. 7/10
20. DCU; Hi I’m in DC, and we decided to release a giant game of fed ex, where you roam around a giant city collecting 10 x <insert pointless shit in here> for ages… such a great concept and nearly there... but maybe never going to work on the consoles 2/10
21. Witcher 2; Geralt is pretty bad ass… that’s just a fact… I’m pretty sure he built the log cabin he was born in. 9/10
22.  Dark Souls; Hang on… hang on… dammit!  8/10
23.  Dead Space 2; the closest a game has ever come to working as prescriptive laxative. 8/10
24.  Portal 2; this is a great title, and I still don’t think it’s acknowledged outside the medium core gamers for being the great title that it is. 8/10
25.  Battlefield 3; You’re more likely to have a good game on this, as most of the crowd play COD… that doesn’t make it easy… basically the online mode is all about racing to the nearest vehicle and then being pissed as someone else gets it. 8/10
26.  Duke Nuke Em Forver; It’s time to kick ass and chew bubble gum, but I’m all out of g-… oh wait a minute… no I found some never mind. 2/10
27.  Shaun Whites Pro Snow Boarding; -100000000/ 10
28.  Infamous 2; Electricity… and that’s about it. 4/10
29.  X-Men Legacy (I think that’s it’s name): Just terrible, pumping out as many comic book titles as they can will not do the genre any good, play this game if your favourite x-man is Skin (Google this… seriously there was an x-man called Skin… he literally just had more skin). 0/10
30.  Rage; Hype, hype, hype… awww 5/10
31.  Unchartered 3; Not as good as the one before it, but better than the one before that, which was way better than the one before and the one after it… what? 8/10
32.  Just Dance; When you think no ones looking… 0/10 (for guys) 9/10 (groups of very enthusiastic scary women)
33.  Any Beat Em Up Game; Same dead genre trying to get more people to take up what is effectively a doomed way of gaming.
34. Tactics Ogre Let us Cling Together; Best tag line ever, boring and slow, and OK-ish for a PSN release 4/10
35.  Killzone 3: Lots more killing, and lots more rolling and jumping, jet packing and fucking shit up for the other team.
36.  BulletStorm: Don’t take yourself too seriously and I know you were all trying to pin people to cactuses/ propellers and on the whole, by the crotch 8/10
37.  Knights Contract; Terrible voice acting kills any game, terrible voice acting kills any game (Mantra from the book of developers) 0/10
38.  Warhammer 40k: When a developer releases a game, do you think it makes a noise if no one plays it? 0/10
39.  Yakuza 4: Terrible voice acting and cut scenes kills any game, terrible voice acting and cut scenes kills any game (Mantra from the book of revelations)
40.  The Lego releases; I bloody love lego, and chances are you do too 8/10
41.  Virtua Tennis; I still resent games that are easy to do in real life…  but then maybe it’s the fact that this game would take an age if you played sets/ games as they do in real life? 3/10 (but it’s not its fault)
42.  Hunted: Over rated 2/10
43.  F.E.A.R 3; This was a good game, but It was annoying that less than 2 weeks after release they dropped the price in the UK by 50%… that pissed people right off. 7/10
44.  Call Juarez the Cartel; I genuinely believe decedents of the main protagonists are on their way to kill the developers and their seed. /10
45.  Bastion; Only just discovered this, bit wackey seems great…. Have a punt if you like colors. 8/10 (so far)
46.  Rugby World Cup 2011: Booo, clunk clunk clunk 3/10
47.  Madden NFL 12: Still a solid release, but don’t expect revolution 8/10
48.  Harvest Moon; I still love being a farmer, but I think this is nostalgic… 7/10
49.  Dead Rising 2; We’re sick of funny zombie games, give me a survival horror, we want Walking Dead and nothing less. 2/10
50.  Star Wars The Old Republic; A jedi who doesn’t like to be? 7/10

Right, so I’ve done that from memory… in one go, less than an hour etc. I may start to go through these and do more posts over the next few days, I’m in between games at the moment, so writing about games is pretty damn fun too.

I guess I owe 2011 an apology too. I’m sorry… you weren’t that bad for games… it’s just… have you played Shaun Whites Pro Snow boarding (that I’m almost a 100% sure was released in 2010, but was so bad it’s continuing after taste is like burnt hair on my tongue) or X-Men Legacy? They were bad… I mean really bad…feed a cow a burger bad… but 2011 you did bring some classics and actually I now retract my earlier statement and close with the following;

“2011 had some bloody shit games. However, there were a significant number of sequels and new titles of such brilliance that they over shadow the poor ones. Maybe 2011 wasn’t a gaming revolution, but there was certainly some evolution. I await 2012 with baited breath”

I'm sorry people. I feel like this is some sort of mild blasphemy... but this was just a terrible game wasn't it? Weren't most of the baddies the same, the powers fairly limited, the dungeons repetitive and the whole package just a bit... well... dull?

What other games do you dislike, but actually you feel guilty for disliking them (I'm going by last year or so);

Fight Night Round 3; Nothing on round 2... literally they did nothing but hange the number.

GTA IV; Come on... really? Same old same old! San Andreas was pushing it for me, but I just found this so samey. If you remember the early GTA, then you rememebr the whole reason you loved it was because it was shocking... now... well the whole thing is just a bit tired.

Enslaved; No. Just no.

For the record I liked Dragon Age, but felt guilty doing so... I know it was awful and on a track... but still... a little bit like Backbreaker... I felt guilty enjoying it... I literally need a shower now.

L.A. Noire; First 6 hours brilliant, after that dull (Heavy Rain but with none of the... class. That was a great game wasn't it? Do you remember sitting there swearing at the TV thinking 'where is that bloody child?' The music is good too... and the voice acting... in fact the whole story was good. I actually thoroughly enjoyed that game as an over all experience. Anyway)

Any driving game ever. Sorry. I know I should like Forza, or NFS (maybe) and probably the whole Grand Turismo series, but I drive all the time... I just don't get the appeal. NB. My distinct lack of car knowledge/ interest costs me a lot of man points on a daily basis. I need help doing the basic thing, from changing a bulb to... something more complicated. (NB I can change a tyre. BOOM)

Probably anything on the Wii... I've had a significant number of Wii games, but it got to the point about 6 months ago when I realised I was only using my Wii as an incredibly expensive set of scales (I actually decided to get back into shape a few years ago due to the Wii, very unceremoniously inviting me onto the board for a bit of 'light fun'... and then in front of my whole family I entered my Mii and height... then the weight... OK stop... OK I get it... I GET IT... OBESE... son of a...) I think the Wii for me is more of a retrospective/ nostalgic thing. From a gaming experiance it's just not what I'm about.

So the thing I feel most guilty about enjoying <insert witty self abuse remark> is simple... the Kinnect. I am a PS3 die hard.... but that was so much better than the Move. Or Wii. It was just great. I 've played it a few times now, and it's just superb. I'm going to wait and see how Star Wars plays... but still hugely frustrating.

Final point; when anyone ever mentions the Sega.. do they default knowledge to Alex the Kid? Why does no one ever big up Earth Worm Jim?

I've been thinking a lot lately about how much some games disappoint, some over achieve and occasionally you get the 'where the heck did that come from'. Gamers are notoriously tricky customers, by proxy of our lust for tech and quick releases; we sometimes stray to the piracy side (this doesn't mean you get to wear eye liner). So designers and game houses are under increasing pressure to release games quicker and quicker, sometimes sacrificing the 'smaller' details or the game itself.

Nb. I'm writing this on my phone going to london and someone has given their baby a toy that sings songs in a very repetitive mono-symbolic tone... This post may either get more grumpy or baa baa black sheep... I can't say for sure.

So, let's look at the biggest culprit of 2011;

L.A. Noire

This game was full of such hope and promise, in fact it felt really well crafted a first. The clues made sense, it made you think... However after the first 4 missions you noticed a pattern... Don't lie, you did.

What stopped Rockstar from seeing the level of repetitiveness that we all experienced? What made them abandon their quest for an entirely new gaming experience and ultimately settle on a repetitive guessing game. I don't care what anyone says, there was an element of guess work especially with the longer missions. Lets just say I loaded aot of save games before making decisions.

The 2 Rugby Games of 2011

Terrible. How did that happen? You've had nearly 3 years to come up with a decent rugby game, shame on you. Clunky handling, random tackling, and so on. What made them release such shoddy work? Did they compare this to FIFA and think... 'yeah that's of equal brilliance' bollocks did they.

Twinkle twinkle little star... About the 6th loop?

PES

This is a message to the developers of Pro Evolution Soccer. Just stop. Your franchise is dead. People are sick of playing with 'north London FC' and bidia progba. Just stop it. Your mechanics were good in 07 but FIFA has royally spanked your lack of imagination and your inability to distinguish yourself from Fifa, which is now a monopoly.

Dead Island

We're still waiting for a good zombie survival game. This was just not quite up to scratch, which is a shame. It was nearly there, you just felt like they started playing borderlands half way through and went 'fuck it, let's crazy this shit up'.

Which was a shame. Also, why have I only got 4 stereotypical shit bags to choose from? It's not like it even effects the voice acting particularly... And they all magically show up for cut scenes... Team based dead island would have been awesome. Even as NPCs in normal mode.

Also this game was buggy as hell for me.

But what stood out as a neat little surprise?

Actually the big winner for me was the Kinnect. As a Playstation fan that's hard to say, but seriously impressed with the mechanics and feel of the whole thing. Thoroughly enjoyable. Stupid move.

I was also pleasantly surprised at how much I continued to enjoy Little Big Planet, yes number 2 was too short… but still a good addition to the franchise.

I forgot to point out one of the most OVER HYPED games of all time, Infamous. What a load of shit. That game was never any good, it was a complete railroad of boredom.

DCU online. I am nerd, and this nearly killed me. The only award this game should win is ‘The Biggest variance in awesome trailer to terrible game’. Hands down repetition and pants. So sad.

You know what, there’s far too much I could write about last year. It’s been a real up and down bag hasn’t it? If you’ve made it this far, then I you deserve to tell me your opinion. Any surprises good, bad or ugly?

1. Change your profile/ Avatar/ MMORPG Character to a girl. If possible, one with a large rack in a very suggestive pose. This will encourage people to think you are a slutty girl, when in fact you are called James with a BMI of 34.... so the rack is still a maybe.

1. MAKE ALL YOUR POSTS IN CAPITALS BECAUSE EVERYTHING YOU SAY IS SUPER IMPORTANT AND EVERYONE NEEDS TO KNOW ABOUT IT, BUT DON’T USE YOUR INSIDE VOICE IF YOU CAN DON’T USE PUNCTUATION EITHER BUT AT SOME POINT FOR NO REASON TAKE CAPS OFf

1. Refer to as many internet phenomenon’s as you can; lol, rofl, copterz, roflcopterz, 1, LOLCATZ, anything cat related, trolls, fanboys, the fact you have a girlfriend and obviously the rest of the internet doesn’t, words like ‘teh’ or ‘internets’ (nee Internetz) and so on. Preferably reference a clip that no one else has seen, then refuse to link it.

1. Disagree with everyone about everything. Then when no one likes you because you’re ‘just being you’ write a post about it whinging only to have said ‘internetz’ link videos to people dying or other such terrible things.

1. Everyone but you is a noob. Reference them as such.

1. If someone disagrees with you try and reference something about them you would never do face to face; e.g. ‘bitches be crazy’ or ‘I bet you’re <insert colour> and therefore you have no idea why <Insert a terrible historical event or word> means something to me.

1. If anyone ever asks you about something, remind them that they’re an idiot for asking you because you knew first. ‘You didn’t know Scott Pilgrim vs the world was a comic book?! LOLZCOPTERZ’

1. When someone asks what you like in terms of... anything... try and reference something obscure and preferably Japanese that is totally fucking stupid. Seriously. ‘What’s a good book to read?’ internetz: ‘Oh I like niri yakimouis take on a 14th century monk with machine guns, who rides a giant hamburger with massive eyes.’

1. THE BEST GAMES WERE NOT MADE IN THE 90s!!!!!! They were great for their time but street fighter can eat shit compared to Soul Caliber (And I am a massive street fighter fan)

1. Never finish a list on 9. Damn Newb.

As none of you may be aware, due to the fact very few people read these things (I like to think of my monologues (not posts) as a form of mild insanity, where I talk to a giant mirror that has nothing to say to me) I have spent a fairly epic amount of time for someone with a job and girlfriend on Skyrim. Please read that as girlfriend in the real world, not Skyrim. I am married in Skyrim.

Anyway.

I decided to start playing FIFA again, my all year constant (very much the cheese toastie of games- not very good, but quick and easy). When  I worked from home I was in the top 2000 players on FIFA... so not bad at all. Due to Skyrim, Batman AC and other various titles/ life commitments. Having been relegated by 2 leagues in one night, and scoring a cumulative 2 goals in 6 times as many games, I have since been reminded that there are people out there who like to toy with me.

What's that Hourman? You're in division 2? Looking for promotion? Our survey says! Nuh-UH!

So my philosophical question of the day is this; Is it better to always win or is it better to hate a game (you love) so you can come back and wollop those 13 year olds 4-0 with a Ronaldo super goal?

I imagine you could replace the vast majority of these words with NBA, NHL, Rugby or NFL players/ gamers and still end up with a similar question. Although, like me, you may like to imagine Ronaldos pretty little face in a NHL game from time to time.