Pirates II: Stagnetti's Revenge DVD Review

Where to begin… This version of Pirates II: Stagnetti's Revenge is an R-rated release of a full-on, hardcore adult sequel to Digital Playground's initial outing on the high-seas featuring a handful of pirate wenches and a whole lot of seamen. Just why that's the case, however, is beyond this reviewer, who fast-forwarded through the film looking for the softcore naughty bits and ultimately came up empty-handed.

Critically speaking, the logic to a project like this simply doesn't work. It's like chipping away at your favorite, most well-hidden porno until it's simply a film about two strangers who enjoy a delicious slice of pepperoni pizza or a lonely housewife whose troublesome faucet is fixed by a handy repair technician. Alternately, it'd be like remaking your favorite chapter of the Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy for roughly what it cost to cater that film and casting it with no-talent, large-breasted women who look like they'd bang real good, but don't.

And there's a rather good cast of high-profile adult actresses here to lust after, bandying about in corsets that too rarely come off. Jesse Jane, Shay Jordan, Stoya, Jenna Haze and Shasha Grey are among a long list of names which, if you recognize any of them, indicates that you should probably swing by confession on your way back to the video store. And the story, in as much as there is one, finds Captain Edward Reynolds (played here by Evan Stone) traveling with what is certainly, absolutely, in no way his first mate, Jesse Jane, as they battle against an evil sorceress looking to rule the world. What ensues is a series of battles against giant creatures and undead skeletons, giant maelstroms and a whole lot of off-screen booty looting.

There's a reason that Cinemax's softcore line-up is relatively successful – largely that there's some segment of the population that enjoys being aroused without being exposed to images and camera angles that make sex look like a doctoral master-class in Gross Anatomy. One might imagine that a less graphic cut of the film – one in which not everything eventually winds up inside everything else – could have been edited so that the adult nature of the film was maintained while supporting the somewhat laughable production of the narrative. Let's be honest, nobody puts much weight on the quality of their porn's story, but if this were simply an erotic, unrated, high-seas pirate adventure, one might find it to be a well-made excuse to watch beyond each sex scene toward the closing credits. But as it stands, there's really no reason to watch beyond the opening credits – an ill-written story, terrible acting, virtually no sex and some special effects that'd make even the worst Sci Fi Channel original movie look like Benjamin Button.

As an uncut film, Pirates II is a remarkably well produced piece of hardcore pornography. As an R-rated adventure, it's a terrible, terrible mess.

Score: 2 out of 10

Video and Presentation

Even for the most cinematic adult film ever made, Pirates II bares a transfer that feels somewhat flat and two-dimensional. Despite an overall absence of grain or additional noise, the cinematography still isn't impressive enough to offer a worthwhile image. The production design and the effects work, while trying to achieve a high-budget look at low-budget prices, simply jump out from the screen as manufactured and contrived. It all feels so very staged – which, as an adult film, it is – but judged on its merits as an R-rated adventure, this hardly feels like a movie at all.

Score: 5 out of 10


Languages and Audio

The film offers up a Dolby Digital 5.1 audio mix which delivers occasionally in those moments when the music soars or swords clash, but the dialogue feels a bit hollow and the mix certainly isn't as clean and seamless as one would find in a traditional film.

Score: 6 out of 10

Packaging and Extras

Not much here by way of worthwhile extras. The disc only offers handful of mildly amusing bloopers – useful only if you're curious about what pornstars are like when they're not acting or boning each other – followed up by two quick features on the first film's premiere party and its unprecedented 11 AVN awards. There's also a brief montage comparing some of the original shots to the final composited effects, which really only serves to illustrate how poorly the CG was integrated into the final film. Overall, a fairly forgettable selection.

Score: 5 out of 10

The Bottom Line

Porn-less pornography makes for little more than a poorly executed pirate film. How's that for alliteration?

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