Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chip-Wrecked Review

This past weekend I saw a movie starring David Cross, Amy Poehler, Justin Long, Alan Tudyk, Jason Lee, Anna Faris and Christina Applegate. Stellar cast. Some talented folks. Sounds great, right? RIGHT?

Look, what's the point of a grown-ass adult reviewing this movie? It's not for us. Granted there are plenty of kids movies out there that can entertain all ages, but this kind of kid-oriented fare is bottom-barrel. The worst part about this particular brand of lazy, unremarkable storytelling is that it's dull. So very dull. Yes, I enjoy watching my children enjoy themselves, but there's nothing remotely tolerable about this franchise. It's filled with wonderfully talented people doing a disservice to their wonderful talents. It unnecessarily has famous folks doing the voices of Chipmunks and Chippettes while the voice alteration involved in "squeaking" their voices removes all noticeable identity - making one mourn for the actual voice actors out there who weren't offered the gig.

Oh, and Alvin is a huge a**hole. Like, a giant one. Yes, like so many lesser kids movies, these Chipmunk tales involve little creatures making their owner's life a living hell. Giant, sloppy messes and dangerous accidents are all part of the game as Alvin and his 'munk friends wind up getting "kited" off their cruise liner and deserted on a volcanic island. Exasperated Dave (Jason Lee), who feels as though he was too strict with poor a***hole Alvin, hang-glides off the Carnival ship (with series villain Ian, played by David Cross, in tow), to try and find the little buggers. What follows are a series of pop songs and internet references that pretty much solidify the fact that these films are kiddie versions of Seltzer/Friedberg movies (Meet the Spartans, Vampires Suck), which themselves represent "worst case scenario" filmmaking. So, after a few Honey Badger, Double Rainbow and Charlie Sheen references, you're in the thick of it. And all you can do is fixate and obsess on strange things...

• The ship's captain, at the beginning of the film, is named Captain Corelli. This little item kept me amused for a good ten minutes.
  
  
• Because most of the songs are from pop divas like Katy Perry, the Chippettes really do all of the singing in this one, with the Chipmunks just doing back up dancing. Strange.
  
  
• It's really creepy when Alvin hits on human women. What could he possibly be hoping for? Plus, it just so happens that there are three talking female Chipmunks that match up perfectly to the three male Chipmunks. But you know Alvin. Huge a**hole.
  
  
• As humiliating it is for both the performer and the viewer that the great David Cross is in these movies, this third installment found a way to up the degradation ante by keeping him in a pelican costume for the entire movie. Well played, Chip-Wrecked.
  
  
• When it comes time for Simon to turn into an amnesiac adventurer Frenchman (are you really asking why?), Alan Tudyk takes over voice duty. Which just made me sad that Firefly was canceled all over again. Also, this little "Spanish Buzz" storyline was used in Toy Story 3, which just made me wish that I was watching Toy Story 3.
  
  
• Kids will not understand specific references to the Robert Zemeckis/Tom Hanks movie Castaway. You will understand them, but resent them.
  
  
• Fear not, someone does get hit in the nuts.
  
  
• Fear not, there is a dance off.
  
  
• Fear not, lessons get the s*** learned out of them.

Hopefully if you have kids, they've never heard of this movie and therefore don't even know that they want to torture you by making you take them to see it. But for those of you who must endure, just breathe deep and find a spot on the horizon to focus on. It's far from painless, but it's quick.


Matt Fowler is an Editor of IGN. You can follow him on Twitter at @MattIGN.

• More Movies Reviews
• Latest Movies News, Reviews, and Videos