Conan the Barbarian Review

Conan the Barbarian returns to theaters after a 27-year-absence in vivid, bone-crunching 3D with Game of Thrones' Jason Momoa in the title role and Friday the 13th director Marcus Nispel at the helm. While not a remake of the 1982 classic that starred Arnold Schwarzenegger (directed by John Milius and scripted by Oliver Stone), this film does retell the Cimmerian warrior's origin as based on the tales of author Robert E. Howard. Born on the battlefield to a dying mother, Conan (played as a child by an intense Leo Howard) is raised by his father Corin (Ron Perlman), the leader of their tribe.

A marauding horde of bandits led by Khalar Zym (Stephen Lang) sack the Cimmerians' village and leave Conan orphaned and alone. Khalar seeks a missing piece of the Mask of Acheron, which will help him reclaim his dead sorceress wife and achieve immortality. Jump forward 20-odd years. An adult Conan, now an adventurer in league with Zamorian pirate Artus (Nonso Anozie), gets a lead on the whereabouts of Khalar and his witch daughter, Marique (Rose McGowan). Conan's quest for revenge leads him to cross paths with both the noble thief Ela-Shan (Said Taghmaoui) and Tamara (Rachel Nichols), a beautiful woman living in a monastery who is the "pureblood" Khalar has long sought. Her blood will unleash the power of the Mask of Acheron and help Khalar conquer all of Hyboria.

It's impossible not to compare this reboot with the 1982 original. While it's far better than Conan the Destroyer, this new film lacks the majestic sweep, thematic richness and the quotable dialogue of the Milius-Stone version. Everyone knows the line about "the lamentations of their women" even if they've never seen the original film, but there will be no one quoting this film 20 minutes after the lights come up... let alone 20 years later. This new Conan has a pedestrian screenplay that barely adds any dimension to the characters beyond their visceral impact, but Conan still works overall as a blood & guts action flick made for the gamer generation. (Its biggest WTF is Morgan Freeman narrating!)

Its formulaic plot is compensated for somewhat thanks to the charisma of Momoa. He's a fine Conan, albeit one less tragic and better adjusted than the character in Howard's tales or even in the comics. Momoa's sheer physical presence dominates the screen; there were more than a few women cooing in the screening that I was at whenever he interacted with the ladies, which is pretty ironic considering how misogynistic the character is throughout. Momoa kicks ass in the action scenes, dispatching more than a few hapless bastards in bloody good fashion.

Conan the Barbarian Video Review

Lang tries to class things up a bit as the main baddie, but his character, like all of them in this script, is fairly one-dimensional. (His perfectly white, capped teeth were also incredibly distracting for a movie set in the grimy, distant past.) McGowan ably chews the scenery as his enchantress daughter with a Lady Deathstrike glove (and whose pale and eyebrowless countenance was reminiscent of the actress' ex, Marilyn Manson).

Perlman goes through the motions as Conan's dad, so it's Howard who puts in the extra effort as the young barbarian and steals those early scenes. Nichols does what she can with a role that seems better suited for a less worldly teen. Her and Momoa's scenes together come thisclose to being cheesy, but they pull it back from the brink.


The film is occasionally choppy in its pacing, with some action set-pieces confusing as to the laws of how certain supernatural beings (i.e., the evil desert entities Conan and Tamara battle) can be killed. The production values are pretty decent for a mid-level budget film, just avoiding looking like an overpriced Xena episode, while the chosen Bulgarian landscapes are convincingly primeval.



The film's 3D, however, is yet another example of a movie whose enjoyment is not enhanced by its inclusion; the credits and some parts of the climactic bridge scene look cool in 3D, but overall it just wasn't necessary or particularly noteworthy.

Conan the Barbarian is a slightly better than expected return for the Cimmerian, but one that lacks the mystique, conviction and edge that made the character a big screen sensation to begin with. Momoa is the right man for the job, but hopefully he'll have a better script and some memorable lines if there's a sequel.

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