Wrestling Wrap Up: Kevin Nash Speaks Out!

Auth Note: Only got around to writing one page of the Wrap Up this week before I was thwarted by unforeseen obstacles. So for your marginal enjoyment, here's that page. Consider this the first ever "lost" Wrap Up...

Man, it's rough when not enough happens in a week's worth of wrestling to give me a decent headline. Yeah, I know, the Bobby Roode beating James Storm for the TNA belt is probably the biggest "news," but I can't lead with that. Unfortunately, I must bow to conventions and accept that the biggest news in TNA still won't get half as many clicks as me writing "Wrestling Wrap Up: Hornswoggle Poops." This is the world.

Actually, I was half tempted to write something like "No Muppets, No Rock on RAW!" Half as a joke and half as, well, me feeling bored last night because there were no Muppets and no Rock on RAW. Then, my next headline was going to be "Kevin Nash Returns with Better Beard." But I settled for boring and standard. Like my wife did.

Look, it's always kind of fun to watch RAWs from foreign lands, but you also have to realize that nothing monumental or "headline"-worthy ever really winds up happening there. Last night, RAW came to us from Liverpool, which among other things is known for being home to the Beatles having the largest cathedral in Britain having the most sex offenders in all of Western Europe. Okay, maybe that last one is a bit of an exaggeration but it's still mostly, if not completely true. No, we don't know much about our English brethren other than bangers, blood pudding and gravysmackers, but we do know they effin' hate the piss out of Cena. Which is an admirable quality in anyone really.

But last night's RAW was one of those medium-rare shows where I just found myself, at several points throughout the show, just reading people's signs. I particularly loved the "TURN CENA FACE" sign, which was like "Advanced Joking 203" s***. That bent, like, two or three other, lamer standard jokes in order to make me laugh. Well done, limeykins. Well done. Someone on Facebook also pointed out to me that there was an "Anonymous RAW GM Storyline?" sign as well. And it comforts me to know that frustrations over WWE creative writing themselves into a corner and dropping stories because they can't even figure out a way to give it ending (even if it's a bad one) is a concern that spans the globe. Maybe a little less than the Kardashians, but certainly more than global warming climate change grumpkins.

Kevin Nash came out, looking a little more Kevin Nash-y now that he let his beard grow back in, and didn't look like his face swallowed the ass-end of a gibbon. So what was his whole spiel about? Well he had hurt feelings over not being booked after the Rumble back in January and now thinks he can be World Champion. Also he called his friends and said let's go into town but they said they were all too busy to go into town, so he went by himself into town and then saw his friends, they were all in town. He got hurt feelings...

So yeah, not much else happened. Punk nailed Ricardo with the GTS again and then got attacked by Del Rio backstage. Laurinaitis almost stepped in at one point, threaten everyone within in earshot that, dammit all, he'd take off his jacket! From now on I want "DON'T MAKE ME TAKE OFF MY JACKET!" to play before his entrance them when he comes out! Oh, and he'd probably also need an actual entrance theme. The old Dynamic Dudes "Wipe Out" theme might do in a pinch. Or maybe even Waka Flocka Flame's "O Let's Do It!"


More from RAW...Kelly Kelly came out to debut her new Maxim cover, which basically shows her in more clothes than we're used to seeing her in while she stands next to a car. Kofi came out, as one half of the Tag Team Champions, and lost to Del Rio. Are they just going to keep the belts on Air-Boom until Bourne's suspension is up? Mason Ryan, from jolly old dour ancient Wales came out and beat JTG, who was allowed back on TV long enough to lose to Mason Ryan. Also, Laurinaitis said, with a straight face, that Brodus Clay was too much of a talent to be wasted on Liverpool, so he stayed back in the States. You know I've seen the new Brodus promos and, believe it or not, I have a very easy time buying the whole "I'm the fall of humanity" thing. Mostly because of the side boob.

Oh, and did you know that the WWE is taking social media by storm???? Because they now have a Google+ page. Which is a lot like a regular circle, but with more jerking. Also, pretending Google+ is a big deal is like bragging about your sister's abortion. But seriously, the WWE is going full-tilt overkill with the twitter stuff. It's like they're trying to play catch up for years of neglect, like a father returning to your life with a trunk full of presents. But it's all toys that you would have liked when you were five because that's the last time he saw you. Oh, and just so you know, the fake Zack Ryder petition for the U.S. title shot that he was going to get anyway because of the storyline is now, like, the most popular clicked-on petition in online history. Which I think makes us all weep for actual progress and real life hardships that might benefit from a widely participated-in online petition that could possibly elicit change.

All in all, I think my favorite part of last night's RAW was when Cole broke. He broke character and laughed his ass off at, of all things, a Lawler joke. He even snorted and the two of them had to pause for about 10 seconds. Cole was talking about some dumb s*** regarding JR and the how the only competition JR could beat him in would be hog-calling. So Cole goes "Sooooeeee! Soooeeee!" and Lawler stepped in quickly with "Be careful, here comes Vickie." Well, that apparently was Cole's kryptonite and he just couldn't continue. Yes, there was part of me that enjoyed Cole going radio silent for a few moments, but I also liked being able to pretend he was a real person. Possibly one with feelings who didn't deserve the prickly hate I hurl at him on a predictable basis.

---

• More Television Features
• Latest Television News, Reviews, and Videos