Coming Out
Today is National Coming Out Day in the UK, I understand that National Coming Out Day was actually yesterday in the US; apparently an International Coming Out Day is hard or something.
I am gay.
That doesn’t really count as coming out though, if I am anything it’s openly gay. In fact a friend once joked that I manage to include a reference to my sexuality in every blog post or e-mail I write, and that every Twitter post of mine ends in “still gay”.
Maybe he’s right, but if it is, it’s probably subconsciously deliberate.
I confidently predict that there will be no surprise coming out statements this year from anybody in the public eye. Not even from those who don’t exactly do a good job of hiding it, yet deny it every time they are asked. You know who they are.
I think that’s quite sad.
I strongly believe that is the duty of those in the public eye to be open about their sexuality.
Firstly from a positive point of view, everybody needs role models. A young man or woman coming terms to their own sexuality will be able to do much easier knowing that there are public figures they respect who are comfortable with their own sexuality and open about it.
And from a negative point of view, every public figure who’s denying their sexuality is reinforcing the idea that you should not be comfortable with it and that being open about your sexuality will cause you problems.
Many celebrities, for example, claim that the reason they haven’t come out is because they’re afraid of what it will do to their careers. This is not only ironic, since they’re just perpetuating the problem, but clearly nonsense since there are a number of extremely well known and loved figures who are openly gay.
So this is why I’m open about it.
I want to make sure that any new members of our community who are coming to terms with their own sexuality can be assured that this is not going to cause them a problem.
(Still gay)
Much props and kudos
I have to disagree with one bit here: “I strongly believe that is the duty of those in the public eye to be open about their sexuality.”
No, I don’t think anybody in public has such a duty, any more than they have a duty to be open about their religion (if any), their political views, family life, personal history, having a third nipple or anything else not connected to the reason they’re a public persona in the first place. You certainly have a right to ask a public figure “are you [gay|buddhist|republican|a hortensia fancier]?” and they are free to decline to answer, dissemble or whatever.
The key is “connected”. A politician can’t really expect to keep their political affiliation a personal matter for instance. But if it isn’t connected then no, they have no moral duty to disclose anything they don’t want to.
Nice post Scott. I know you are gay for a very long time now (as well as Kinnison and some others). Let me tell you, the fact that you are always so open about your sexuality is something well appreciated. I’m just as well open to mine as being heterosexual. Sex should not be taboo. No matter what the tendency shall be. The fact you are so open about it (referring to you and some other very precious people alike I now know through Debian/Ubuntu) makes me love you guys even more for being direct and true. As well as exhibiting a very unique raw sense of humor
Just because you think everyone should be open about their sexuality, doesn’t call for everyone in the public eye to do so. Do what you wish, but, don’t try to push your agenda on others. Why should anyone openly talk about their private sexual interests? It certainly should not be required, as you say. Do you hear any heterosexuals going around saying that they are, to reassure anybody who might have doubt? No, it’s nobody’s business… By asking people to declare their sexuality, you are almost saying this is required to accept them. Why not accept them for who they are and what they do regardless of their sexuality? Why is this disclosure necessary? I really could not care less what your sexuality is.
(still respectful)
Bring the torches
.
Jk, seriously people should be more open minded but, that’s not going to happen anytime soon.
I am openly gay for the same reasons as you list.
But I don’t think it’s unreasonable for celebrities not to want to come out. Sexuality is inherently a private thing – celebrities may not want their sexuality to be discussed in the papers. Coming out invites comment on it, it almost invites an invasion of privacy.
If you’re a straight celebrity, you’re not expected to “come out” as straight – and most straight celebs would steer clear of talking about their sexuality.
“You admitted you were gay, so it’s in the public interest who you are sleeping with”
“My gay love romp with celeb X”
Coming out is a difficult decision to make. Not least because it’s not possible to ‘come in’.
I’ve been in situations (and done jobs) occasionally where I didn’t feel comfortable being openly gay, so I wasn’t. I taught in a school which had a pervading atmosphere of homophobia amongst staff and students. I wish I could have acted as an role model there but I felt it was strongly against my own interests.
If you’re a celebrity who has told the papers – then you no longer have the option of being discreet in any situation.
So it’s understandable. Yes, more celebs should come out and it’s great when they do. But I wouldn’t criticise anyone who chose not to.
Hear hear!
One problem I *don’t* see going away by coming out would be the need to explain to people over and over and over what the hell that word one just identified oneself as *means* if one identifies as something a little less common than the relatively simple “gay.”
Who cares if you are gay? no one cares if I am straight
eunkai (i hope you meant that comment as “it shouldn’t even be an issue”, but i’ve heard this many times in a sense of “where’s my special day for being straight”): that might be because you’re in a majority. people rarely are being persecuted for being in a majority…
and while i agree that it would be nice of celebrities to come out, i respect their right not to do so AS LONG as they don’t work against their own kind (like all those closeted conservative politicians or closeted fundamentalist preachers)
Indeed! Imagine if all the straight people were making so much buzz about being straight.
Hey, I’m straight, straight!! Listen to me, I’m opening myself! I’m openly straight!! (damn, I wrote “opengly”, haha!)
The fact that you guys make such a big deal of it doesn’t help on stopping it being a big deal for the population, it does just the opposite, makes it look like even a bigger deal.
Anyway, I just come here because your post appeared on planet.ubuntu and I wondered what your sexuality had to do with ubuntu.
6 minutes left to mention that I’m still bi then. I’d best hurry up.
Next time you do a talk, can you put gay porn in for giggles?
Yeay gay!
They were going to have an international coming out day, but Tom Cruise’s and Ricky Martins’ agents both worked together to see that it didn’t come to fruition.
Similar to what a few others have said, I don’t think that high-profile individuals should be obligated to come out, but I do think that it ultimately makes their lives easier, not to mention happier.
Refreshing to see someone feeling strongly enough to stand up and be a role model, even if I don’t feel anyone should feel obliged to do so.
For that reason, I appreciate your posting this.
@Ciarán – Is that supposed to be a joke? If so, I don’t get it. Would you be making jokes about Linus, saying how he should put expressly *heterosexual* porn in any talk he does because… oh my god! He’s HET!!!!
(still human-ish.
disagree said:
Well…I mean…every time a guy says “my wife” or “my girlfriend” or a woman says “my husband” or “my boyfriend” or even says “my S.O.” and uses the opposite gende pronouns with it…they’re doing just that. What other reason could guys who brag in locker rooms about all the hot chicks they slept with have for being such braggarts?
My mom tried to pull me out of the wrong closet (she thought I was a lesbian). I never corrected her, figuring she’d think I was broken. I simply denied the lesbian accusation.
I am asexual. I came out 4 years ago. My siblings didn’t believe me. My best friend (who is bisexual) flipped out and started yelling at me that it wasn’t possible. She didn’t say the word “freak,” but you know how that works (for comparison, I just said “really? ok” when she came out to me). The next year I started at university and was sexually harassed for my orientation by someone who falls in the GLBTQ category. The other members of the queer group on campus seemed to think something was wrong with me because I didn’t share their enthusiasm for “how to be awesome in bed”-type events.
I went back in the closet. That’s why I’m not using my name or Gravatar-enabled email address to post this comment.
Coming out is extremely irritating to me because it always involves questions like:
- Do you get busy with the people you date?
- Do you have a sex drive?
- Have you enjoyed past experiences with partners?
And if I answer yes to any of them, I must be lying about asexuality (FYI, asexuality is defined by lack of sexual attraction; presence of romantic/emotional attraction or undirected/annoying sex drive is irrelevant). I’m extremely happy to see that the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network has a nice Asexuality Overview page explaining this sort of stuff now. Also, happy to see they finally did a site redesign.
“What other reason could guys who brag in locker rooms about all the hot chicks they slept with have for being such braggarts?”
You know, I’m well into middle age, and I have never, not once, actually heard this “locker room talk” anywhere. Not any time in school, not in the army (we have conscription, still), not at university. Nobody I know have ever mentioned hearing it either.
It would be a culture-specific thing, I guess, but I suspect this might be one of those things everybody “knows” occurs, but that hardly ever happens outside of a Hollywood or TV drama.
Janne:
In that case, I am quite confused as to Pepsi’s new iPhone app.
Just wanted to be sure that all sides are equally presented: Im So Straight. Married. I love sex with my wife. I havent cheated on her but i love to watch big boobs – cant get enough of beautiful women.
PS. I do all these on privacy of my home, not in planet gnome.
Yawn. Who cares.
Seriously lame, typical selfish behavior.
What does this having to do with Ubuntu Planet anyways?
Yes. It was a joke, sorry if it offended you that was not my intention. And reading back I didn’t chose my words carefully. Another off-the-cuff-comment that has caused offence.
And by “porn” I mean those mildly titillating images that are prevalent in TV and roadside ads, nothing hardcore or considered indecent. (Although I imagine that, like everything else is open to valid debate)
I honestly wouldn’t bat an eyelid at whichever person put what pictures in their talk. Certainly I’d be surprised to see Linux put a gay “pornographic” picture. But I’d certainly like to see some just for varieties sake, after all it is apparently the spice of life. And seeing pouting ladies can (shock) get a bit dull!
@Ciarán – No offense taken. Man, maybe I’m just getting old, but I’d rather see sexy demo’s of QT’s kinetic animation framework, hot previews of the Blender Foundations “Project Durian” and get up close and personal with a working GPL Linux video editor than having porn of any orientation thrown about in our keynotes!
Gah! Get off my lawn you lazy kids!
[...] missed National Coming Out Day in the U.S. (SJR reminded me). Some way that everyone can enjoy the celebration is to expand their musical horizons [...]
The UK seems to be the odd one out on this one: the rest of us observe the 11th. Write to your elected representatives?
As for the unavoidable “but what about us straight folks?” comments above:
Stop it. You don’t need to talk about your sexuality in this way because you can be who you are, without fear or shame, every other day of the year. You are applauded for it by the people you know and by mass media. Check your privilege. This is not about you.
Matt: with all the privilege i’ve been granted, im still straight! Kudos for coming out – thou – i still cant understand wtf this has to do in multiple f/oss planets.
Jani:
Well seeing as Planet Ubuntu is NOT a tech-only planet, but rather (hrm forget exact wording, so paraphrasing) meant to be a window into the lives of Ubuntu Members…and since this is a part of Scott’s life… uh, yeah, sure this fits! And hey, we could always do with having a few more people being reminded that “that’s gay” and “you’re so gay” make really awful insults.
@Mackenzie – Good points. Heh, maybe we should start using those same kinds of phrases, but replace “gay” with “‘phobe” (as in homophobe). EG “Man, I’m so phobe at this game… Anyone could beat me!” “Emacs? Are you kidding?! Emacs is so phobe! VI is the *real* coders text editor!”
Cheesy, but it makes a point!
To make things easier for you to accept, besides me being straight, im also a “phobe”, antisemite, chauvenist AND sexist, fundamental protestant christian, pothead, nazi, capitalist, closed software developer and all those other things that oppose freedom. It is not my intention to make people think. Sorry for disturbance. Better if i just leave and listen to some peter tosh.
@Jani – My comment wasn’t directed at you at all. My comment was directed at Mackenzie saying it would be good to have less “Thats so gay” type comments around the whole community.
Apologies that what I wrote looked like that.